Go ahead- Ask me if Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal skull was worth downing a Red Bull at 11pm while being harassed by PR people wanting to give me free drinks if I just go to their club, waiting for a bus in a delirious state of jitteriness from said Red Bull at 3:30am and then waking at 7:00am for work. No really- go ahead. Can you tell I'm still a bit "off" from the whole experience? I left that movie last night so confused that you could not shut me up for the next hour. I thought the people on the bus just might throw me off for ruining the entire movie to anyone within earshot, but I just couldn't stop.
I knew we were in trouble with the very first shot. The mountain in the Paramount logo (the vintage one mind you, which i did appreciate) fades to a similarly shaped mole hill from which emerges a hedgehog. A CG hedgehog. A CG Hedgehog who, I swear, looks at the camera and makes a silly face that says: "Look at me rocking this opening shot! And my mom said I would never break into live action after my work in Over the Hedge!". And people, this is really just an intro to the hedgehog because you will see him TWO MORE TIMES! He becomes a reoccurring tertiary character akin to Satipo played by ALFRED MOLINA in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You get to meet his whole hedghoggy family minutes later when Indy and a Russian soldier are exploded out of a mountain from a rocket on wheels.
But I'll stop bitching about the freaking hedgehogs, because we have bigger problems. If someone asked me to tell them the plot of the movie in one sentence, I would be completely unable to do so. It might go something like this: "So- Indy has the KGB on his tail because they want him to locate/help/be generally useful to them in maybe finding/acquiring something in South America related to the Mayans but maybe its really related to Aliens but in any case it's certainly super magnetic and Cate Blanchett is psychic or really wants to be." I think that might be a run on sentence, but I didn't major in English and I don't care. Basically, the plot SHOULD be simple like every other Indiana Jones movie (IE: get Ark before Nazis, get magic stones and save children, get Grail before Nazis) but they refuse to lay it out like that. You get a lot of back story on the mythology but some crucial details are missing at times. One scene, and I'm sorry that I can’t recall which plot laden one, but it definitely involved someone telling everyone what “needed to be done”, made my brain yell out: "OMG THIS IS LIKE WATCHIGN LOST. WHY ISN'T ANYONE ASKING WHY?!!!"
This is the part where you might want to stop reading if you don't want any SPOILERS
I wanted to know WHY Indy was so quick to help the KGB every time he got caught? WHY Mutt had to bring his “hog” to South America? WHY they stopped the entire movie for a bug scene that didn’t advance the story? WHY Marian completely disappears during the car chase/fight scene in the jungle only to turn up later as an escape vehicle, WHY Mutt FREAKING SWINGS THROUGH THE VINES LIKE A MONKEY WITH MONKEYS? WHY the Russian soldiers weren’t even remotely frightening? WHY Indy let Mac tag along after being betrayed 3 TIMES?? Also- someone please tell me WHO were those cave dwelling warriors? WHY were they killed off so easily when they were WAY scarier than the commies? And most importantly WHY OH WHY did Spielberg find it necessary to shove Indy into a fridge to survive an ATOMIC BOMB?!
Kris has just informed me that I’m sounding a little crazy and I really don’t doubt that at all. This is what the movie did to me. I might try to explain myself again tomorrow when I’m a little more coherent, but right now I’m hitting that mid afternoon-I-haven’t-slept-yet-slump and I’m afraid it’s going to be downhill (pun totally intended) from here….